When my wife and I announced we wanted to have children, one of her uncles had this bit of sage advice: “Enjoy your kids — just don’t expect any gratitude from them!” Nine years and three kids later, I’d have to agree that parenthood is often a thankless job. Fortunately, my wife and I have managed our expectations pretty well and don’t get discouraged. We don’t expect gratitude, just “please” and “thank you.” What we do expect from our kids is some measure of respect.
Respect. Now there’s a tricky word. There are all kinds of platitudes surrounding respect:
Respect your elders.
Respect isn’t given, it’s earned.
You have to respect yourself.
Before you can get respect, you have to show respect.
Demand respect, or you won’t get it.
Everyone wants to be treated with respect. Judging by TV reality shows, even prisoners — most of whom are in prison for some brazen act of not respecting authority figures, laws, property or someone else’s person — like to be treated with respect and, rightly or wrongly, even expect a level of respect.
Human beings are essentially living tuning forks for respect, constantly assessing their own worth and whether people around them are recognizing that worth. To lose face is to lose respect of the group which, back when everyone lived hand to mouth, could mean death. Researchers find that modern human beings totally delude themselves in this process of assessing our worth and blamelessness. We are neither as noble nor as worthy of admiration as we like to think we are.
Nowhere are we more concerned about respect than in the workplace. Most organizations are set up as a hierarchy — just like the families we grew up in — with several layers of leadership and management. And we tend naturally to resist having someone over us, in control of what we can do. We don’t like people telling us what we can do and say — and when and where and to whom we can do and say it.
Even colleagues, who are supposed to be on our same level, can seem to lord over us on various topics, projects and situations. It appears everyone is jockeying for positions of power, prestige, and privilege.
To handle the issue of respect at work, it helps to be reminded of a few things:
“Everyone has a boss — even the boss has a boss.” A chief executive officer reports to a board of directors and/or shareholders. If the CEO is the sole owner of the company, that person still is accountable to a spouse or a bank or the IRS. No one is as free of criticism and authority as they may appear.
Seeking power, prestige and privilege — the 3 Ps — can make you appear to be a fourth: petty. OK, seeking the 3 Ps might just be a way of being another P — political — but if you find yourself losing sleep, politics probably isn’t your thing. Let go of the 3 Ps. You’ll be much happier.
Trading respect for fewer expectations is often a good trade because it can result in less pressure. You can leave your job each day easier than your manager can, for example. Peace of mind is worth something.
Settle for admiration over respect. Be that person who does a job well and doesn’t ask for a lot of praise or shows of outward respect. If someone appears not to respect you, chalk it up to his or her being intimidated by your competence, confidence and coolness (the 3 Cs). The insecurity of others is not something you should worry about.
Don’t become rattled. Calmness at work in all situations is the No. 1 admired trait of employees. If someone is truly disrespectful, others will notice and in time, it likely will be handled by that person’s manager. In the meantime, keep a record of these situations and present them to your manager at an appropriate time.
Always use “I” language, not the more accusing “you” language. Otherwise you may be interpreted as being disrespectful.
Finally, remember — and this is your proverbial uncle talking now — don’t expect those in your workplace to bow down before you. It’s OK to work primarily to realize other dreams and goals in your life. If things aren’t ideal, read “Dilbert” to help you laugh through it all. And, if a job atmosphere turns really sour, build up your resume so well that you can easily make a jump to a better job at another company.
Make your actions and words worthy of respect and you are sure to be rewarded with a great career over time.
Eric Larson is the director of marketing and communications for the Creating IT Futures Foundation.
